How to become a male porn star

I've developed a new found respect for the male porn star. Let me explain.

Originally I kind of thought they had it pretty easy. If you look at the women in porn movies, its clear that they go through a lot of effort before appearing in front of the camera. Looking at their tight flat stomachs, you can tell that they not only watch what they eat, they also must work out every day doing aerobics, sit-ups, yoga and maybe even some weights. They obviously go to tanning salons and spend untold amounts of money having their hair permed and dyed to obtain that perfect sexy look. Most have had surgery to enlarge their breasts and some even have work done on their noses, chin's and cheeks. Their teeth have been straightened and are gleaming white. They work long hours putting on makeup covering any imperfection then they carefully pluck eye brows and other areas so that not one hair is out of place.

Men? Well men shave their balls. Thats pretty much it as far as I can tell. Most of the men in porn movies don't seem at all concerned with their looks. They're not in shape, haven't seen a doctor since they were born and don't even comb their hair. So you end up looking at some over weight, white as the abominable snow man, nasty looking dude pounding away at some woman with blimp sized boobs while he spanks her butt saying things like "You want it eh? You like it eh? Well its aboot time" (OK this was a Canadian porn movie which would explain why the guy was so white). But the one obvious thing the man had done to prep for his big staring roll was... he'd shaved his balls.

Now after I had watched a few movies (Now don't think I spend my day watching porn movie, I do other things. Really.), I did some thinking and I realized, hey, what women must want is shaved balls. Those women in porn movies are drawn to these men who care not what they look like but who have at least put the effort forth to shave their balls. After all, they always scream YES, YES!, to "You want it?". (This of course is porn movie logic but it seems reasonable). So I did what every porn star does and I shaved my balls. This, it turns out, is not as easy as it might seem. Shaving male genitalia is fraught with complications as theres a lot going on down there. Still, with scissors and a razor with 4 very sharp blades, I was able to remove all of the curly hairs down there leaving a little Hitler mustache just about the, ah, you know, male part. Well I was pretty proud of what I had done. I looked like a, well, like a Porn Guy, at least in the shaved ball category. Yeah, I needed a little background music and some bad dialog but I had the biggest requirement taken care of.

So the whole rest of the afternoon I was in great spirits thinking I could maybe have another career consisting of having sex with women with artificially enhanced bosoms and giving autographs to dorky teens who wish they could be me.

All was great until around 2:17 AM the next morning. Then, as if God decided to bring down a reckoning upon my balls of such furry that I would reconsider my evil ways, he sent what felt like a plague of fire ants crawling across the baby smooth skin of my scrotum. In my sleep, I scratched slightly, then started increasing the force soon realizing that I was quite sweaty down there. The initial scratching relieved the discomfort, but it soon returned with a vengeance. The fire ants now felt as though they were biting at my sweaty junk causing an intense urge for me to rip my own sack off. I headed into the bathroom where I tried every remedy I could find. Cold water, baby power, creams, even rubbing alcohol (not a good idea). The only thing that brought relief was using a blow dryer aimed directly at my balls on the high setting. While this caused some pain, it was far far preferable to the intense itching. However, once the blowing stopped, the relief only lasted around 20 minutes and I was back giving myself another AC powered blow job and increasing the earths temperature.

The next morning, I realized what male porn stars must go through and how one never know how it feels to be another person until you walk in that persons shoes. So, my hat is off to you porn stars. Yes your job looks glamorous, fun filled and easy, and yes most of you are pretty hideous to look at but now I now appreciate what you go through. Asking you to do more then shave your balls would be like asking a coal miner to not only dig coal out of the ground in a dark wet shaft while breathing carcinogenic dust, but do it while donating blood. It would be just wrong.

So things are as they should be and I am wiser now then I was just 24 hours ago. And isn't that what life is all about? That and watching the occasional porn movie.